Thoughts on being the Mommy.
This is a stretch. I try not to share things close to my heart because then that requires me sharing something close to my heart (duh). Motherhood is one of those things. The minute Chunk #1 entered my life I knew my life had completely changed. Of course, when you’re pregnant you try prepping yourself for this new adventure but, in my case, nothing really prepped me. I read the books, went to the classes, talked to my friends, still, nothing prepped me for the brand new heart that I would grow on my sleeve. That night, as I held him close, I could feel the anxiety and fear wash over me like cool water. In a way, I pitied the poor boy because I knew he was my little “guinea pig”, thrown into one mothering experiment after another. I didn’t want to mess up but I knew I would, and that frightened me. I surrounded myself with books and tried real hard to follow my Mother’s Intuition, but still, fear seemed to rule my mothering. That really annoyed me, but what can I say, that was my path of learning I guess.
So, when it was time for Chunk #2 to enter this world, I did NOT want to go through the fear vortex again (sure, that’s what we’ll call it). I changed my perspective, had a lot more faith (not just in spiritual matters, but also in myself), and, even though the books are good, I needed to look to myself and the Lord. So, the night after Chunk #2 was born, I remember being so grateful that I wasn’t letting in any fear. I took her into our front room and rocked her all night. I wasn’t scared, I wasn’t overwhelmed, I was just plain old HAPPY, it was how a mother SHOULD feel after having a baby. I knew I would make mistakes but it didn’t scare me this time. Well, now I have to laugh because I could totally be scarring my children for life and here’s me saying “Hey, it’s ok to mess up sometimes.” They both bring me such joy, and they have taught me so much. I’m just so glad I don’t have to be perfect to be a mom.
Motherhood is crazy. It’s a crazy thing. I can’t say it enough. I never really wanted to grow up so maybe that’s why it is so daunting and amazing to me. With two children I feel like I’m walking around with two extra hearts.
But, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love these little Turkeys (mis pavitos).