More thoughts on being the Mommy.
I’ve been going through some of our old pictures and trying to organize them. It’s funny how, when you look at different stages of your life, old feelings and emotions seem to tickle the back of your brain and say “remember?”
I love this picture, but when I think my state of mind during that time period, I cringe. I don’t like to dwell on it too much because I have since come a long way. I know that on one hand I felt gratitude and relief because I was blessed with a fat and happy little boy. But on the other hand, I was still filled with doubt and fear that seemed to sweep upon me the first time I held this boy in my arms. Motherhood was a difficult transition for me because I just really wanted to do it right. But the responsibility was daunting and I didn’t quite “cowgirl up” at the beginning of this journey.
Each time I became a new mother, I grew a whole new heart. That first heart? I resented it a bit. Not the boy. No, I did not resent him. I resented all the new emotions and fears that came with him. I saw the world in a different light but I was focusing on what a scary place it can be. I didn’t remind myself of the protection I could be. Instead I felt weak and overwhelmed and scared.
I have sobered up since then. I now choose Strength over weakness, Love over fear, and Faith over doubt. It is also good to remember where we can turn to for strength when we feel weak as a mother or worried about our children. I love this quote by Abraham Lincoln: “I remember my mother’s prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life.”
So, this fat one volunteered to be my first guinea pig. He has taught me much. And I hope my prayers cling to him throughout his life.